TEN THINGS NOT TO DO BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The time of year is upon me which maximizes guilt, corrodes my sense of self-worth, and convinces me that I am actually sub-human.  While flailing about in this morass, I figured out that there are things I should never do as I approach Christmas.  Which did not keep me from making lists and attempting them.  Warning:  Do NOT try these at home.

1/ Go on a diet and join Weight Watchers.  I was full of fine resolutions, set to take off the 6-7 lbs. I'd put on when my torn meniscus kept me from exercising my ass off.  I won't mention that I went to my favorite Italian restaurant each week for awhile and ate Tiramisu for dessert.  Clearly, that had nothing to do with the weight gain.  When I went for the weekly weigh-in shortly after Thanksgiving I was shocked.  Shocked.  I had put on weight instead of taking it off!

2/ Give up drinking wine.  When I realized that the case of fabulous Sauvignon Blanc, Wither Hills from New Zealand my husband gave me was just about gone after only 6 weeks, I thought, "Hmmm, I should probably cut back on my wine consumption.  This will be good for me."  I'll let you know how she does with this.  Like Dick Nixon, it is a sign of my fragile mental health that I refer to myself in the 3rd person.

3/ Acknowledge that your life is self-indulgent, and it is way past time to start pulling in the reins.  Give up so much consumption.  Forget about the 1-click ordering from Amazon.com, even if the book you want is some hefty theological tome by N.T. Wright or C.S. Lewis.

4/ Resolve, after grabbing a cup of strong coffee and a biscotti or two, that the money you will save from buying less, skipping Amazon.com for a month, and reducing wine consumption can be given to the Survival Center.  This is a good idea, right?  It is truly something I want to do--to take in less and give out more.  But somehow, this feels like having a blister lanced on the bottom of my foot or perhaps a rectal exam...
I wish charity were easier and didn't require so much sacrifice.

5/ Exercise more.  This is a wonderful idea, particularly when you live on an icy hill that is over 1200 feet in elevation, your driveway is as steep as a foothill in the Alps, and your torn meniscus is still screaming, "Sit down, you dizzy broad!"

6/ Decide to make home made gifts for everyone on your gift list.  This is what I seriously wrote down: "Make apple butter and pack in sterile jars for friends.  Label with pretty red and green Christmas labels."  Really?  Then I had written down, "Make Grandma Warren's spicy cinnamon walnuts to give away.  Pack in festive bags from Michael's."  Do not pass Go; do not collect $200.  In fact, while you are about it, just go to jail.  You are locked into your delusional need to over-achieve and try to please everyone.

7/ Resolve that your dog needs to be better cared for, groomed, and cleaned before Christmas and before your daughter returns from college.  This entails:  clipping toenails.  Wait, that doesn't work with Jacks.  Brush daily.  Not a good idea.  Dog insanely circles around trying to bite the brush.  Brush her teeth.  While you are at it, wipe her tush and make sure she is truly clean.  Really?

8/ Make a home made wreath using stiff grape vines from the land and weave in clippings of hemlock and white pine.  Decorate with fragile little nodules of grass and dried thingys from the garden.  Two hours later, a glass of Sauvignon Blank is a necessity and completely blows #2.

9/ Join a choir.  Anywhere, any church, any faith that has singing.  Just join.  And sing your little heart out whether you actually like Christmas music or not.  Failing this, link up with a hearty band of middle-aged carolers in town to sing Christmas songs in sub-zero weather to people who are watching reruns of Dr. Who.  This will also blow #2.

10/ Decide to knit your husband a pair of socks at the last minute, never mind that there are only seven more days until Christmas. This would necessitate staying up until midnight instead of doing what I really want to do which is: collapse on couch, a glass of wine nearby, read some books I surreptitiously ordered on my Kindle, and hide the beginnings of a supremely drab gray sock under the couch.

Instead of numbers 1-10, here's an idea for all of us:  Accept yourself as you are, with all of your imperfections and odd little deposits of fat in places you didn't even realize could get fat, like the roof of your mouth.  Maybe cut down from 2 glasses of wine to 1, but by God enjoy it!  Burn the half-completed wreath in the fireplace.  It makes festive flames.  Send e-cards to people because they are so, so much easier.  Forget the apple butter and Christmas walnuts.  Buy something from your local HBA and wrap it in beautiful paper.  Put on a CD of Christmas Carols and get into the holiday spirit without getting hypothermia.  Merry Christmas!